When grown-ups sext, it’s complicated. And there are lies.
Hey! – I’m horny.
Oh, hey you! – I too am horny. Well, lonely. Lonely/horny.
How’s your day going? – Blah, blah, I’m putting in the time here.
Oh, you know… Whatever… – Should we just speed through these niceties?
Where are you? – Please describe an erotic location.
I’m lying on my bed, I haven’t gotten into bed yet, I’m just lying on the covers. – The kitchen.
So what are you wearing? – Let’s get this show on the road then, shall we?
Oh, just a t-shirt and a pair of pants. – A sweatshirt over pyjamas. With a bathrobe on top.
What are you doing?– Do continue in this sexy vein.
I’m just thinking of you, lying here. – I’m making a massive pot of soup. I plan to eat some now, take some to work tomorrow, and freeze the rest.
Oh yeah? That’s hot. What are you thinking about me? – Gosh, thanks. So do you actually find me attractive? Cool.
Oh, just your lips. And how I’d like to kiss them. – I was actually thinking, do leeks even go with thyme? But yeah, you do have quite nice lips.
I’d like to kiss your lips too. – I’d like to kiss anyone’s lips.
Oh yeah? – How should we proceed?
I’d like to kiss your lips and I’d like to kiss you all over. – We’re doing this, we’re doing this, please don’t reject me.
Oh yeah? – So we’re doing this?!
I’d like to undress you completely. – That seems like a logical step in this narrative, doesn’t it?
Oh yeah? – I don’t know what to say. This is the third time I’ve said “Oh yeah?” I’m sorry.
Yeah. – Look, you’re going to have to bring a little more to the table here.
Yeah, so I’d like to kiss your lips. – Gah, that’s terrible. I feel flummoxed. I’m not good at this.
Yeah, us naked, kissing. – I’m going to persevere here.
Yeah, that sounds really good. – That does actually sound quite nice. Like I said, I’m lonely. And horny.
Kissing all over. – Please take some initiative.
Yeah, kissing. – We seem to have arrived at a sexting impasse.
And licking. – I’m moving this along here.
I’m really turned on. – I would like to signify my interest without getting into explicit detail.
I’m really turned on too. – I am actually really quite turned on.
Oh yeah? – Oh Jesus, I’ve said it again.
Yeah, I’m licking you, really turned on. – WORK WITH ME HERE.
What else would you do to me? – I don’t want you to stop messaging me. But you’re better at this than I am.
I’d tie you up. – I mean, if you want me to.
Yeah, I’d like that. – I suppose maybe I would like that. Would I?
I’d spank you. – Well, I might spank you. But sometimes spanking just seems so silly, doesn’t it?
Yeah? Would you spank me hard? – I’m sort of getting into this now.
Oh yeah, so hard. So hard it hurts. – Well, not too hard. I think you seem very nice and I would never want to hurt you.
That would feel so good. – God, I’ve been so lonely.
Spanking and kissing and licking. – So we’re definitely, definitely doing this.
Yeah, do it to me. – Please continue.
I am doing it to you hard. – I am very, very turned on.
Yeah, do it. – I am increasingly enjoying this “sexting”.
I am going to come. – I am going to orgasm.
Yeah, me too. – OK WHAT? How are you doing that amid the typing?
I came. – I just had an orgasm.
Yeah, me too. – I really didn’t.
How are you feeling?– I feel slightly anxious now.
Oh you know, relaxed. – I’m not sure whether I am more lonely or less lonely than I was 15 minutes ago.
Yeah, I feel pretty chilled too. – I am getting to an age where I am very concerned with my parents dying.
Well, that was fun. – That was a bit weird.
Yeah, fun. – Slightly weird but also a bit fun.
So, talk soon maybe… – Do you sext other people?
Yeah, for sure. – Not really, I mean sometimes, but I like you the best.
OK well, goodnight then. – I suppose, on reflection, I feel less lonely than I did before you messaged me.
Night night, you. – I think I feel less anxious than I did before you messaged me back.
xx – Life is weird, isn’t it?
xoxo – Totally.