The Hot Pocket Porker!
A teenager who’s DTF pretty much anything you can put in a microwave just gave a revealing interview about how he became famous for getting all American Pie on a Hot Pocket.
The artist formerly known as @VERSACEPOPTARTS first entered the public eye when he tweeted an experiment with putting his penis through a box of brown sugar Pop-Tarts. He quickly followed that up with a Vine video showing him making sweet love to a Hot Pockets-brand food-like object.
The explicit footage got him banned from Twitter and Vine, and blocked by the official @hotpockets Twitter account, but he’s got no regrets.
“Yeah, I would definitely recommend it, if you’re lonely. I wouldn’t recommend putting it on Vine, but I’d recommend fuckin’ a Hot Pocket probably. It wasn’t bad. It’s messy, though,” he told First We Feast.
@VERSACEPOPTARTS is also a safe-sex role model who knows a true player always bags it up before penetrating a name-brand ham and cheese pastry:
Ah shit, dude. I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, “Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.”
When he’s not sticking it to foodstuffs on the Internet, the Versace of Pop Tarts is a recent high school graduate and—wait for it—grill guy at a seafood place.
Don’t cry for his customers, though: He rates the food at his restaurant “would not bang.”
Dude, Should’ve Bought a Fleshlight.